Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Crying Shame or What I learn from America's Funniest Videos

Sometimes the lesson in life is simple. Sometimes it's convoluted, tangled and insanely difficult to .. you know, grasp. Sometimes the lesson revolves around serious life events, but mostly, lessons are something like: Don't play with puppies in your underwear. Or, for the love of all that's good in this world, don't jump on an old trampoline. Or, listen up, don't let your grannies ride scooters.

But can you believe it? Have you ever even SEEN an episode of America's Funniest Videos? Never, NEVER jump on a trampoline. NEVER NEVER try to get into a paddle boat off a rickety dock. Don't sled. Just DO NOT sled. I mean, most of my life lessons I've learned from AFV.

Well, there are other life lessons that AFV can't *really* portray on the show. For instance, never have sex on the first date. And if you do, that's okay, just don't let it get *too* weird.. you know, paddling and masks and acid. Like, burning acid not dropping acid. Dropping acid is okay. Also, don't show up at your male lover's house with a gun and shoot his wife. I'm looking at you, Amy Fisher. I mean, life goes deeper than what AFV can show you, but not really. If it seems like a bad idea, don't do it. If you think jumping on an exercise ball is a bad idea, don't do it. If you think clubbing your opponent's knees is a bad idea, don't do it.

Same lesson, different vehicles to teach the lesson. Right?

For now, I think I have a handle on most things. But, to fill in the gaps, this is me. Driving. Taking a picture of myself. That's a terrible idea. Don't do that either.

Jesus Christ!

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