Friday, January 13, 2012

Alright, Jeans, let's talk

Alright, so I've got this tummy brought on by beer, poor eating habits, candy, cake and laziness in all aspects of my life except eating things that are bad for me. But my legs are slammin'. If I'm honest with you, which I am. And Tina Trendiness says I'm supposed to be wearing skinny jeans. You know what sucks about skinny jeans? Well, I'll tell you. Fat people look ridiculous in them. That's just true. Even if you have kickin' legs (ha), you end up looking like some sort of living ice cream cone.

Now I own exactly five pairs of skinny jeans in varying styles and colors. One black, one gray (of course) and three dark blue. The dark blues are all in different sizes because I keep getting fatter. Tina, or Ms. Trendiness to those of you unfamiliar with her, says that I should always be wearing these jeans. Because they're cool. Well, this morning, CASUAL FRIDAY, my favorite pair of these skinny jeans, and the only blue pair left that fit me, were WET, because the only dryer left in my building barely works. So I had to wear a different pair of jeans. Moreover, a non-Tina-approved pair of jeans.

So I grabbed a pair of dark blue flared jeans. Like it was 2003. And I'll be Frank with you; you can be Dean. My ass looks great in these jeans. I always forget. And it's a great feat, because I have an innie-ass. But what's really important is this. I was walking into the office, and I looked down at my feet. (I do this because I tend to trip if I don't.) And I see my brown mocassin slippers and my flare-leg jeans, and I think to myself. "NO, TINA! I'll wear what I want. I'm comfortable! And NO, you can't see how amazing my calves are, but you also can't tell that my stomach is going to consume Rhode Island."

The problem with Tina is she's always telling you what you're doing is wrong. You apparently always have to be dressed like her to be living your life correctly. But my friends, you do not. Wear what you want. Dress in the style that makes you most comfortable in that situation. If a trend doesn't work for your body type, don't buy into it. I've always said they shouldn't make certain styles of shirt for every size, because the people that will buy them are exactly the people who shouldn't. I, for example, can never buy a shirt with designated boob placement. My boobs will always pour out from all sides. Left, right, top, bottom. Made to look completely ridiculous. Even if I buy the shirt to fit my boobs perfectly, I'm then suddenly dressed like a pregnant lady trying to hide the fact that her belly is full of baby.

If you like flare-leg jeans, wear them. Don't be an ice cream cone. Just eat one.

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