Friday, January 20, 2012

The what's missing conundrum

So last night before my 8:45 bedtime I was looking for something in my room and something super weird and very unlike me happened. I got this weird and uncomfortable feeling. It was exactly the feeling that I'd been wearing a necklace or bracelet or ring for months and months and suddenly wasn't. The feeling was exactly on my left ring finger. Right where a ring would be, if I talked to other humans, had met a man who actually wanted to spend time with me and was stupid enough to want to marry me.

But that's never happened. I go on dates with guys who get up and leave. I leave my apartment to go to work or to go to the grocery store (once a month) or to the Edingers, which is hardly like leaving my apartment. I go on a date once a year, if I feel like putting pants on. So what the hell is going on with my finger?!

I never wear rings anymore. Only because it's not 1997 in the world, even if it still is in my heart. So the only explanation a friend of mine and the Drugged Librarian's could come up with was this.

Aaaalternaate uuuuuniverrrrse. But not just one. All of the alternate universes. Every Hayley from every alternate reality has been wearing a ring on that finger. Purity rings. Engagement rings. Wedding rings. Mood rings. Friendship rings. Giant moosehead rings. But they all lost them last night about 8:42 p.m. And now we're all feeling the loss, which is totally unfair because it's not my fault that engaged Hayley's fiancee was two-timing her or that married Hayley is clumsy and dropped her ring down the garbage disposal or that Portland Hayley's mood ring was giving bad vibes when she felt totally chill or that slutty Hayley got caught or that perpetually thrid grade Hayley's best friend found a new best friend. Why should I feel the uncomfortable for their mistakes?

I had only one solution. A bunny ring.

But only because I couldn't find my giant moosehead ring.

1 comment:

  1. Your fingernails are creeping me out due to Dexter Season 1