And I want them back! In light of my recent skorts-related post I realized how much I love the '90s way too much. And by "realized" I mean "was reminded." And by "way too much" I clearly mean "in exactly the right portion." It's not dramatic, but what I know is exactly this. On Friday nights I still stay in, but there's no "X-Files" or TGIF on. Well, okay, some times the X-Files is on, but I did that. Not the TV. It's never TGIF. It should always be TGIF. I want to be able say that I'm staying in on Friday night for a real reason, and not because I hate leaving. And yes, I do consider TGIF a real reason. "No, sorry I can't. 'Full House' is on." "No, not tonight, Cory and Topanga are getting married, and I was invited to the wedding." "Friday? Oh no. Not Friday. Sabrina has used her magics all incorrectly and that crazy witch has to get herself out of that mess. Can't miss it." "No. No. Urkle is on." "No, I can't come to your house for a sleepover. You're not allowed to watch 'Dinosaurs.'"
Clearly, the '90s trained me to stay in on a Friday night. That's not pathetic. That's the '90s! And cost-effective. And far less intimidating.
I want my jellies to give me blisters with fashion legitimacy. Not insanity and the usual result of sweating feet in the summer in plastic shoes. I want the bright peach sweatshirts and t-shirts I wear to be normal and ridiculous. Obviously, I want to always be wearing skorts. What I'm saying is I don't just want to be watching TGIF, is I want to be Stephanie Tanner. It's not an outrageous desire. But before I wanted to be Stephanie Tanner, which is my current goal. I wanted to be Clarissa Darling. I wish I'd never given up that goal. I simply don't have enough hubcaps on my wall.
I want a Giga Pet! A sad, unfed and neglected Giga Pet. Not Angry Birds. I want Keds! Not Toms. I want Doug pining after Patty Mayonaise. Not Spongebob. I want 'N Sync is better than Backstreet Boys. Not the Biebs. The only way I want to see Kenan Thompson is on "All That" or "Kenan and Kel." Not "Saturday Night Live." I want slap bracelets. Not Silly Bands. (Silly Bandz? Seelly Brands? Steely Dan?) I want Beanie Babies. Not Furreal Friends. (Those are ROBOPETS!!!!) I want to hear about Zach and Kelly and Slater. Not Edward and Bella and Jacob. (name checks.) Green planet propaganda from cartoons. Not politicians. (Captain Planet. Fern Gully). I want to change the radio station in angst from the Macarena. Not LMFAO. I want the Spice Girls. Not the Pussycat Dolls.
Stirrup pants. Wide leg jeans. Grunge. Surfer fantasies. Hacky sacks. Hypercolor. Pogs. Scrunchies.
It's a rant we've all felt before. I know that deep in your hearts the only thing you want in life is for pizza to be motivating children to read thanks to Book-It.