Sunday, February 19, 2012

Listen, guys, there are rules

Listen up, I have real world knowledge. I know a thing or two about a thing or two. And of course, I'm adding to that list daily. Daily, guys. Well, maybe not daily, but surely weekly, right? Last week, my etiquette skill-set was broadened to DANCE CLUB RULES - but not just dance club, SOBER DANCE CLUB. (As a clarification, I was sober. The only sober one)

1.) GOTTA GET DAT SKIN: Dressing for the occasion.
Turns out, if you wear jeans and a reasonably cute shirt that covers your body and flat shoes, (optimal for dancing) you are OVER dressed. And by over, I mean, coverage wise. To fit in, one must wear ridiculous heels. Also, short short short short short dresses or skirts with tight tight and low cut shirts. Here's an example, I watched someone try to get to the ground floor from the third level of dance floor, and guess what. I saw her whole ass. Yep. Entire thing. So did everyone there, except, I might be the only one who remembers. Also, she didn't have underwear on. I'm glad I got the back view.

2.) PUMP IT UP: Having sex on the dance floor.
This is appropriate. I didn't know that until Saturday night. At a dance club, laying a woman down on (ON) the dance floor and rubbing pubic symphises together is okay. Not just rubbing, grinding. Hard. Grinding hard. This happened. With three couples surrounding me. I even watched one couple pretend to do (graphic link)  cunnilingus. It wasn't hot.

3.) ALL THE SINGLE LADIES: Don't bring your partner to the club.
I, personally, didn't have my man because dance clubs aren't his thing, but my friend Heather did. I overheard her, at least 3 times say, "I'm here with my husband." In turn, the pursuing party gets pissed and promptly finds another girl to grind. (see rule #2).

4.) I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY: Laughing at jokes.
This rule is split into two parties. I'm on the side of laughing at inappropriate jokes made by the DJ. However, many around me did NOT think Whitney Houston jokes were kosher this soon after her death. It was hilarious, though. No one seemed to be mad at me for laughing, so, honestly, for this one, follow your heart.

5.) SING IT OUT: Singing with strangers (even drunk ones)
Journey, Dexys Midnight Runners, Vanilla Ice - it's okay to know all the words. And when you do, sing the shit right out of them. Look to your left, look to your right, look out into the crowd - everyone is singing and singing loudly. It's amazing. Honestly. If people aren't too busy having dance club sex, they love that you love the song that is on. Eye contact will be made, eyes will get bigger with enthusiasm and together, you will sing. It will be wonderful and rewarding, and I'm not kidding about this. Here and there, throw a point toward the person with whom you are singing. They love it and so will you. Let the universe align while you are singing one hit wonders and classic rock. It feels like, even at 2:30 am with puke on the toilet seats and slutty girls and nasty boys gettin' busy near the speakers, it's okay to be at a club.

Hope this helps.